The Problem with a Love Language

Everyone loves differently. For those of you don’t know, the wildly popular book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman has rocked the world of many in categorizing the way we love our significant others.

I’ll admit that I have indeed taken the quiz. My #1 love language is physical touch or as I like to call it “physical affection” and knowing this can guide my relationship as well as complicate my relationship.

Before I continue, I will just go ahead and list the languages out.

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Acts of Service
  4. Physical Touch
  5. Receiving Gifts

Knowing your own love language can be equally as beneficial as it can be problematic. Take into account my situation. As I have already stated, I fall into the category of physical touch but my husband falls under the category of quality time.

While MOST days we flow and vibe in a super healthy way, there are times that we are not on the same page as far as our interaction.

Basically, the more physical affection I receive the more fulfilled I feel. And it has been said that we GIVE love the way we FEEL love.

Let me reiterate that…

We GIVE love the way we FEEL love.

In reading this, I don’t feel it is as easy to comprehend unless experience first hand being in a relationship with someone who is doing their best to love you the only way they know how and it is not registering.

In complete transparency, I am so quick to want to always hold my husbands hand, give hugs, or even share a kiss and in doing so I feel as though I am showering him with love. However, a “successful” day in his eyes is not based on how much affection I show him as opposed to the quality time we spend together. So, his equation goes:

Spending all day together + Laughing + Fun = Perfect day.

My equation goes:

Suffocated with physical affection + simple tasks = Perfect day.

Are you beginning to see where this can create a disconnect in your relationship?

I was listening to one of my favorite marriage podcasts this morning, which sparked this idea about how we incorporate languages into our lives.

I then made the comparison between love languages and spoken languages– more specifically how we are completely able to learn a new spoken language (with dedication and effort). So, why could we not learn a new love language?

In learning a new spoken language, we may find ourselves frustrated, having difficulty, or even relapsing back to our primary language. This is the same complications with learning a new love language, BUT

No matter if it takes us 1 year or 3 years to learn a new language, we have still -in fact- learned. And in marriage, learning is healthy and always occurring. If you stop learning or trying to learn about each other, your marriage is dead.

That is what marriage and relationships are all about. In personal practice and general encouragement, I would urge whomever is reading this to eliminate absolutes in your language. For example, eliminate saying and believing things like:

  • “I hate kissing.”
  • “I am just not an affectionate person.”
  • “I am too busy.”
  • “I don’t have the money to buy a gift” (make a gift, it can be so much more meaningful)
  • “But, I have no free time with kids in the home.”
  • “I just don’t know what my spouse wants.”
  • “I don’t know what to do.”

Learning something new and branching outside of our comfort zones can be incredibly challenging and frightening. However, in a marriage, this can lead to some really beautiful experiences and an overall healthier connection with your partner.

Once a month (or at least that is the goal we set ourselves), my husband and I sit down and write what we wants our strengths of the upcoming weeks to be and what we feel like our “needs work” areas were from the previous month. This is an accountability program for our intentions, as well as a way to reflect on growth and our accomplishments.

I would encourage you to do the same and let me know how this goes for you!

If you want to take the quiz, click here.

If you are interested in reading the book, click here. It is not expensive!

With love, Elizabeth.

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